There were chaotic scenes in Bristol on Friday evening after rival students taking part in a mass brawl were caught up in a speech by Jacob Rees-Mogg. The incident occurred at the University of West England when students were forced to stop fighting after the Conservative MP forced his way in and began pontificating loudly about the merits of leaving the customs union, with reference to the speeches of Cicero.
‘It’s outrageous,’ said student Fenton Barnes. ‘We came here for a good honest Friday night punch-up, but just a few minutes after we started kicking the shit out of each other, Rees-Mogg pushed his way through and started talking languidly about Britain becoming a vassal state during the Brexit transition stage. This country is going to the dogs when young people can’t indulge in a healthy mass brawl without being interrupted by P.G. Wodehouse characters.’
Others students complained that Rees-Mogg just wanted to talk about politics in what was clearly a premeditated attempt to close down violence by the use of free speech. However, the part-time Gussie Fink-Nottle impersonator himself denied this, saying that he is actually a pugilist of not inconsiderable skill and ability, and claimed that he had doffed his jacket, rolled up his shirt sleeves and squared up to the ringleader.
‘I told him “Take heed, sir, for I give you fair warning that if you try anything with me, I shall have no alternative but to black your eye for you!”,’ Rees-Mogg said. ‘My dear wife Helena, who had accompanied me to my engagement, called out “Leave him be, Jacob! Because to engage in fisticuffs with this fellow will be of no benefit to you whatsoever!” but I informed the good lady that low-life knaves like these need to be horsewhipped on the steps of their clubs, for they know no other language. Certainly not Latin, at any rate.’
As the fight broke up, eyewitnesses say Rees-Mogg left the campus, vowing to return to put these beggarly villeins in their place in April 2019. Somerset Police have since confirmed that their officers took part in a high-speed chase involving three police cars and a man in a Brougham Carriage.
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