In a spontaneous gesture carefully planned by Prince Charles, Her Majesty the Queen will unexpectedly throw herself in front of one of the many horses in her stable as it comes third in the 2.30 at Market Rasen this Thursday, subject to a course inspection and satisfactory weather. Back up plans have been made for next week at Sedgefield. However organisers say this brave yet futile act of royal self-sacrifice must be a complete surprise and have refused to give out further details except to the Daily Telegraph.
‘This will be an event which once more shocks the world, as Her Majesty makes the ultimate sacrifice so she can get the vote,’ said a Clarence House spokesperson. ‘Her Majesty, Princess Anne, Fergie and the charming little princesses whose names I will look up presently are among the few women left who are forbidden to vote, simply because of an accident at their birth’, the official continued.
‘Now that there is every chance of Jacob Rees Mogg becoming Prime Minister it is crucial that all women including members of the Royal family can vote for him. So female emancipation must be completed with this eye-catching yet tragic gesture. Should the Queen survive she will look forward to receiving Mr Rees-Mogg at Buckingham Palace and making an unprecedentedly personal comment about his watch chain or ‘weskit’. Should the worst happen, as it did in 1918 with tragic Mrs…I want to say ‘Pancake’ but we can look it up and put the correct name in later…Should the worst happen Mr Rees Mogg can read the Eulogy in Westminster Abbey before Charles and Camilla kick off the celebration disco. This will be a test of Harry’s fiancé. The Royal Family have high hopes she will be an excellent dancer.’
Historians have been quick to point out that today does not mark the centenary of full suffrage: Michele Smythe of the University of Shanklin said: ‘Married women over thirty who were on the board of a public utility and had given birth to two or more male heirs could vote with a husband’s written permission, but they were only allowed to vote Conservative. Unmarried women over thirty could vote but only after a detailed examination in camera by two magistrates and a ‘special’ doctor. Among some of the tests they had to pass were the ability to whistle ‘All Things Bright and Beautiful’ and a pledge to ‘be nice.”
Yet in a poll organized by Yougov, some women are still dissatisfied with their vote and are considering exchanging it for John Lewis’s half price le Creuset deal. One woman (60) asked Tuckshop! the Daily Telegraph’s food magazine: ‘Was it worth all the work I put into my History O level about women force feeding each other and being chained to Disraeli Gears? Even with a second woman at No 10, I still can’t afford decent ovenware, or be sure West Sussex won’t be over-run with feral gypsy rapist fruit pickers this Autumn. New, affordable heavy bottomed pans have never looked so enticing! With Pankhurst day fast approaching it’s a no brainer!’