A panel of health experts has determined that the entire budget of the NHS is insufficient to cover the urgent care of billionaires. They propose a ring-fenced tax to support Richard Branson’s modest health needs; including 24/7 bed baths from a model of his choice and priority NHS parking for his private jet.
Unfortunately due to the financial pressure of an ageing population of oligarchs, the NHS is over-stretched; unable to raise sufficient revenue by selling off nurses and leasing organ donations. GPs are now concerned about the constant struggle to provide Mr. Branson with a meagre share dividend and only a limited selection of truffles on his hospital menu.
Currently Virgin Care is syphoning off £2 billion pounds worth of contracts from the NHS, which is barely enough to keep Virgin Galactic in lemon-soaked paper napkins. Subsequently, it has been suggested to simply replace National Insurance with a simple direct debit to Mr. Branson.
An NHS spokeswoman said: ‘We advise any millionaires wanting to avoid this winter’s flu, to stay wrapped up at home, on your nearest private Caribbean island. Try to avoid strenuous activities like asset stripping NHS holdings, false accounting or fake altruism. Just keep yourself hydrated with Grand Cru and steer clear of anything that you are allergic to – like taxes.’