Middle class journalists have reacted in shock to Wayne Rooney speaking articulately on the subject of Association Football, without once resorting to mimes, crayons, or hurling his own kebab-ridden faeces at fellow presenter, Jamie Carragher.
‘For the entirety of this week’s Monday Night Football, I sat open-mouthed in shock at the sight of ‘Wazza’ expressing himself via the medium of nouns, verbs and even adjectives, declared Hugo Pollock-Tudbury of The Times, rather than by an angry and confused series of Neanderthal grunts. A triumph not only for scousers, but poor people in general.
‘Although I didn’t like his suit, it was a bit blingy-blingo for my tastes. Still, money can’t buy you taste!’, added Pollock-Tudbury, while wiping crumbed crab off of his amuse-bouche encrusted red chinos.
Other reporters reacted to Rooney’s apparently stunning use of brain cells with a vague mixture of admiration and jealousy:
‘How Wayne has found time to master his first language while playing top-flight football, going ‘daan the bookies’ and presumably breeding illegal weapon dogs, while having to go back and forth to the end of the garden every time he relieves himself of the Lidl value lager he must guzzle between dodging benefits is astonishing’, commented Marquis Sebastian Grindlebert IV of the Daily Mail.
‘Although’, Grindlebert simpered, ‘I find it hard to believe that darker forces were not at play. Was Wayne made to learn his words by flashcard in advance, and forcibly stuffed into a punditry suit for the benefit of the viewers, like some kind of football-loving King Kong? I simply find it hard to believe that somebody who can play football and probably deliver other physical tasks to an outstanding degree, is also capable of excelling in more…human characteristics. If so, I might have to consider the idea that the comprehensive schoolchildren who used to throw their Dairlyea Dunker cheese at me on my walk past the poorhouse, might actually be my equal. And that’s something I cannot and will not do.’
Rooney’s current manager, Sam Allardyce, is believed to have told sources that he alone is responsible for the intelligence displayed in Rooney’s television performance – but will dismiss any personal responsibility should the Everton forward fail to pass the first round of this year’s Celebrity Mastermind.