As political winters drag on around the globe, the 2018 Winter Olympics in South Korea will not only see the precarious sport of skating on thin ice for the first time, but also the tricky spectacle of heads of state competing for their nations.
With rapidly diminishing team support, and almost no hope of securing an outright victory, Great Britain’s prime minister, Theresa May, will be wearing her usual kitten heels in a weak and wobbly attempt to make as little impression on the ice as possible.
Germany’s chancellor, Angela Merkel, will most likely restrict her routine to the moderately more secure centre-left of the rink, although she may be forced to make some awkward moves towards the far-right, simply to stay on her feet.
The USA’s greatest skater, President Donald Trump, has tweeted that he has “all the best moves” and insists that any talk of thin ice is just fake news, when “in fact the ice everywhere is so totally thick. The thickest ever, folks. Just like my hair.”
It is understood that Russia’s ice king, Vladimir Putin, has been religiously preparing for the worst by bathing topless in a Siberian lake and beating up polar bears, who he suspects will not vote for him in his upcoming re-election.
China’s president, Xi Jinping, is expected to take to the ice – along with 10,000 synchronised skaters of the People’s Army – in a modest display of power and poise. Observers believe Xi will also take the opportunity to drill below the surface in search of somewhere to lay foundations for another naval base.
Meanwhile, the Games’ host country is praying that its president, Moon Jae-in, and North Korea’s unbalanced ruler, Kim Jong-un, will take part together, possibly in a recreation of Torvill and Dean’s famously dramatic Bolero performance. However, commentators are predicting the ice will inevitably crack under the combined weight of ego and expectation