A group of boys exploring man-caves on an allotment near the Cheddar Gorge – in hope of coming across some ancient pornography – have unearthed what appears to be the remains of a cheesy artefact that could date back as far as the early 1950s.
One of the boys guessed that the small, pale, squidgy triangle was once an immature type of cheese, but another said he had seen his father use something that looked just as unappetising to treat haemorrhoids. On closer examination by experts at Cheddar’s Natural Dairy Museum, the tasteless relic was found to be spreadable, and unlike anything previously thought native to the region.
The museum’s lead researcher, Dr Lilli Picca, believes that the uncheddary substance may have arrived from the legendary land of Dairylea, and primitive locals ate it as part of a pre-prepared portable lunch. She now plans to sample the DNA of the oddly-angled cheese to determine whether or not modern adult Britons can still stomach it. However, it is likely that many of us have ‘evolved’ to become intolerant of such uncultured sources of protein.
Dr Picca’s research will form the basis of her revolutionary new book to be titled ‘On the Origin of Cheeses by Means of Cracker Selection’.