‘We’ve always sold used books, clothes, CD’s and bric a brac, this will extend to selling used human beings’ explained Maria Smythe head of Oxfam fundraising at a ceremony in the West End. She was cutting the black lace ribbon on Oxfam’s first pop up brothel, in Dean Street, Soho. ‘We’ve always depended on the good heartedness of volunteers, so we are grateful to Mrs Janine Smethurst of Winchmore Hill whose experience in the ‘Chic Lit’ area will stand her in good stead as she performs the first voluntary sexual service on the penis of our patron, Sir Donald Smith. The cost is remarkably cheap and all the funds raised will be used in a good cause.’
Sir Donald was then ushered into a private booth, and loud music from a James Last LP (£1.50) was played to cover any embarrassment. Sir Donald emerged seven minutes later smiling and holding a copy of the Guinness Book of Records 1987 and a small flowerpot which he had bought in the shop downstairs for £2.20 less gift aid.
But commercial sex workers in the area have hit back at the Oxfam operation for taking away its trade. ‘The Oxfam whorehouse will have a built in advantage, not only because of the low prices but also because clients will feel less guilty than they do when they visit us,’ said one disgruntled dominatrix. And we generally have no room in our establishments to sell cat calendars and fridge magnets. I might add that the volunteers they are offering would look more at home running a bring and buy in Reigate, but that may be a plus.’
Miss X said she had decided to give up sex work and get a senior job in a nearby Waterstones, where she hoped to become the first masked female manager to be investigated for sexual harassment. ‘I used to go into that Oxfam shop to buy scented candles,’ she said. ‘Now the very thought of going in there makes me feel slightly nauseous’