Reviewing the evidence of several decades of sex scandals, from Profumo to Green via Cecil Parkinson and one Mr Johnson, the UK government has announced that it will stop funding itself as of Monday.
‘It’s quite right that we’ve cut funding to Oxfam for their disgraceful behaviour in criticising our record on wealth and inequality, I’m sorry I meant ‘not having been more public about dismissing staff who had used sex workers”, said a spokeswoman. ‘And it gives me great, sorry again, I mean no pleasure to be able to lecture these do-gooders on morality for once. But it’s only fair that we extend the same standards to ourselves. And therefore Theresa May is dissolving the government as of tomorrow. Apart from Boris, he can fuck off right now.’
While some critics dismissed this ‘radical’ announcement as ‘just hastening the collapse of the state that she’s been working towards all along’, it is widely believed that even with this dramatic action the British people are still screwed.