With the nation in mourning following the death of Democracy, the United States is to hold an official state funeral in its honour.
Speaking to an empty room at a White House press conference after all news outlets were barred from attending, press secretary Sean Spicer said: ‘The death of Democracy should not be viewed as a tragedy, but as a celebration. Democracy had a good life but it was getting old and decrepit, so its time had come. Nobody likes to see anyone suffering so, like this press conference, it is a happy release.’
President Trump has called on the American people not to wear black during the official mourning period but to stick to white, or else. Democracy’s casket will lie in state in the Capitol Rotunda draped in a Brietbart flag and surrounded by an armed National Guard and unhinged members of the National Rifle Association, who will fire a 2,249 gun salute, one for each US citizen killed by guns since the start of the year.
‘We are going to hold the biggest state funeral the world has ever witnessed. It’ll be the best you’ve ever seen, believe me,’ President Trump said from the eighteenth hole at the Mar-a-Lago Golf Club in Florida. ‘We’ll be rolling out nukes, cement mixers and state of the art deportation machines. It’s going to be the best funeral since the death of that black guy, what was his name? Martin Luther, I think.’
However, according to some sources, the event comes with a massive flaw as journalists and the World’s news media will be banned from covering it. ‘That’s a technicality,’ Spicer said. ‘We’ll be distributing truth leaflets on the ends of nuclear war heads if anyone denies this wasn’t the biggest turn out since President Trump’s inauguration because we’ve had enough of fake news. You can’t get bigger than that, and that’s a fact.’