‘It could be spilt wine, it could be spilt blood, it could be much worse,’ explains Patricia Smythe who runs household affairs at Chequers, the PM’s official residence in the country. ‘Whatever the damage after today’s make or break Brexit meeting, it’s my job to secure the fabric of this government building for future Conservative governments, if there are any. But we have to face the prospect of a huge and messy split tomorrow, with disastrous effects on the carpet in the Long Room, which has only just survived the cleaning process after David Cameron’s ‘little accident’ in 2011’.
It’s understood that preparations include safe storage of any breakable crockery, the provision of flimsy wooden knives and forks, thick plastic floor coverings throughout and strict security that includes new mental detectors. This equipment has already detected signs in David Davis, who, we understand is coming dressed as Mad Max Mosely. At least I think that’s what he said.’
St John’s Ambulance Brigade is also standing by, with special political paramedics poised to deal with a wide diversity of ‘challenging’ incidents. ‘These can range from underwear soiled in frustration or political anger, right through to fatal gunshot wounds’ said the Brigade’s local organizer Mike Smethurst.
Mr Smethurst would also neither confirm or deny that paramedics would be prepared to treat the results of alleged sexual harassment, or related conditions brought about by male after-dinner preening. One insider paramedic said his ambulance was fitted with appropriate supplies, including man sized tissues, NHS contraception supplied free by Sir Richard Branson, the morning after pill, and the morning after that pill for serious cardiac conditions brought about by alcohol, political exertion and even Anna Soubry or Nicky Morgan.’
‘Our nightmare scenario is the patient who’s suffering from Traumatic Stress brought on by the sheer animosities involved, plus alcohol poisoning, plus a physical trauma after being savagely bitten by Liam Fox. Add an act of ‘spontaneous’ sexual intercourse with Gavin Williamson on the famous musicians’ gallery, about which both participants feel thoroughly ashamed in the next day’s Daily Mail, and you have a perfect storm, ’ said the paramedic.
Theresa May told reporters, ‘after today’s awayday, our Government will be truly united and ready to deliver an effective Brexit without anyone’s hands tied behind their backs.’