Jeremy Corbyn today angrily denied ever being a spy, before taking out his ballpoint pen and shooting the journalist who asked the question. Cornered in a swanky London bar, Corbyn…Jeremy Corbyn, was clad in a slick dinner suit, suavely sipping a shaken-not-stirred martini, and with a hot Russian babe on one arm and Dianne Abbot on the other. He said he couldn’t possibly have been a Cold War spy as ‘he loved Soviet communism….er I mean Britain and Her Majesty’ more than any other ultra-leftwing beatnik hippy he knew.
‘I’ve never parachuted out of a plane only to parachute back into it in mid-air, I’ve never had a brutal fist-fight to the death with a 6’9” villain on top of a speeding train, and I’ve certainly never had masses of hot babes clamouring to sleep with me at any opportunity – and no, Dianne Abbot, Harriet Harman and Yvetter Cooper definitely do NOT qualify!’ he fumed.
M15 sources begged to differ about the spy claims and said the man they knew as ‘‘Lentil 6’ was well-trained in specialist forms of assassination, such as feeding unsuspecting victims his home-made beetroot wine, and boring mass audiences to death with deadly polemics on class struggle and liberation.
Corbyn said today he’d never, ever sell-out Great Britain under any circumstances whatsoever – unless it was to any former Soviet Republic, Saddam Hussein, Colonel Gaddafi, Hamas or a crowd of gullible Glastonbury millenials. ‘I love Britain,’ he said, ‘and I’ll love it even more when the Queen’s overthrown and it becomes a glorious ultra-Marxist republic of the proletariat.’