MPs and those in the Westminster area are sorry that a homeless man found dead outside Westminster tube on Monday morning can’t now ‘die again’.
On Monday condolences were quickly issued when the then unidentified man was found dead in the early hours; investigations have since revealed allegations that the dead man was a migrant sex offender.
Disgusted, outraged and backtracking quickly, MPs distanced themselves from the dead man: ‘I’m sorry he’s dead,’ said one, ‘if only because if he would die again I’d now know not to say anything’. Another MP, upon discovering the dead man might have been a migrant and a sex offender, became so outraged she had to be restrained by her assistant from searching the dead man down and ‘literally kicking him in the face and balls’.
The public weren’t any less annoyed. One man – though showing a little bit more restraint than those he had elected to represent him – remarked that dying in the cold was about as good as the man deserved because ‘obviously he didn’t deserve to die warm. If he did what they said he did that is’.
Local Westminster councillors are now concerned the homeless – or even those dying with homes – will now try and end their days in Westminster to ‘get a few kind words said by politicians published in the press about themselves’. To counter this the concerned authorities are suggesting that the man didn’t die in Westminster at all, but died West of Munster in Ireland ‘many, many, many years ago’. Additionally, council workers have been brought in to stand “corpse watch”. One of these workers said: ‘Those who would have been perfectly happy dying of hypothermia in Tottenham say, might now be on their way here. But we’re here to see them off’.
Unfortunately for everyone involved, Project Corpse Watch has had some unintended effects. Eyewitnesses have claimed two MPs, one Lord and even some tourists have been denied access to Westminster and the wider Parliamentary estate due to looking ‘good near as dead.’