‘We don’t want your stinking Chuckle Brothers,’ said chief Polish negotiator Karol Bosko. ‘Cameron thinks we are a bunch of backward peasants, wetting our pants with laughter at the stupid antics of a couple of demented buffoons. We want the consummate entertainers Ant and Dec with their cheeky Geordie charm and touching man-love’.
The offer of Ant and Dec also appears to have secured the backing of the Czech Republic and Slovakia where re-runs of kids programme Byker Grove still regularly attract over 20 million viewers and the duo’s birthdays are celebrated as national holidays.
The deal follows earlier reports that the Prime Minister was humiliated by other EU leaders and forced to dance while delegates threw the remnants of their buffet lunch at him.
‘It was a degrading spectacle,’ admits German delegate Willy Ackerman. ‘On the other hand if he wants this deal as much as he says he does then he should be prepared to dress up in lederhosen and dance to the Birdie Song while I throw roast beef and caramelised onion vol au vents at him. He didn’t look happy, maybe he would have preferred the pork’.