Donald Trump today ordered all 72 million schoolchildren in the USA to undergo intensive commando training during the next school holidays. They will all then be issued with semi-automatic assault rifles, body armour and Kevlar helmets and allowed to resume their classes.
Under the plan that he hopes will see an end to school shootings in America, children will only be allowed to enter their schools by abseiling out of a helicopter, and Moms and Dads will only be allowed to pick up their kids if they drive Armoured Personnel Carriers. Groups of kiddies will carry out combat ‘fire’ patrols in the lunch-break, and communication in the classroom will only be allowed through hand signals.
All school tannoy announcements will be replaced with 1960’s rock music on continual loop, all students will be addressed by their teachers as ‘MAGGOTS!’ and compulsory games of ‘Russian Roulette’ will be introduced to after-school school detentions
8 year old Texas school-kid Annie Peterson said she was looking forward to learning how to rip the bronchial tube out of a man’s throat during the holidays instead of hanging out at the mall. ‘I think it will be a real deterrent to anyone planning a schoolyard massacre, having a bunch of fully-armed schoolkids juiced-up on sugar-drinks ready to blaze away at anyone who so much as looks sideways. And besides, I’ll also get to call all my schoolmates ‘motherfucker!’