As the US scholastic arms race continues to escalate, President Trump has authorised High School Principals to begin deploying thermo nuclear weapons in a last-ditch effort to deter rogue school shooters.
The move comes after the failing bid to thwart the attacks by arming teachers has lead to a massive increase in the number of running gun battles caused by late assignments and cocky backchat.
The resulting impasse is creating a covert market in the supply of RPGs and depleted uranium ammunition among the more entrepreneurial business students.
Recent days have seen ever-increasing arms and hardware acquisitions now spiraling out of control, as the government approved emergency school budget increases have allowed teachers to purchase new armoured personnel carriers and Black Hawk helicopters.
As the students seek support from overseas with the import of Chinese made surface-to-air missiles, Congress is thought to be retaliating by deploying aircraft carriers outside the major trouble spots in a bid to intimidate the students back into classrooms.
Threats by student government association representatives to align themselves with North Korea and the National Rifle Association have seen The White House saying ‘enough is enough’ and Mr Trump will personally sanction a program of drone attacks against student leaders if they refuse to back down.
The United Nations has called for calm and is hoping to broker a ceasefire to allow for proper revision to take place ahead of next month’s end of term exams.