New smartphone facial recognition system ‘really doesn’t like that moustache’


Users of a new smartphone recognition system have been surprised by the personal way the voice based algorithm has responded to users getting into their devices. ‘If I were you I would reconsider that moustache,’ it told one beta user. ‘For a man of your years it screams that you are yearning for a gay relationship with a man who likes disco. Yet all your personal data says you are a heterosexual with insecurity feelings about hair loss and a ladies’ handbag fetish, which is unusual.’

Another was told ‘For fuck sake less mascara, girl. Sure I’ll let you in to the phone just this once, but frankly, unless you are considering changing your career from accounts clerk to specialist prostitute, a lot of that make-up has got to go.

One teenage user suffering from acne was horrified when his phone said to him: ‘You poor kid. There’s no cure you know. Dude you’re not getting any till the thing clears up, if it ever does. So those texts to ‘Linda J’ are pretty much a waste of time. But, hey, look on the bright side – those marks are unique to you, so they’re an extra layer of security!’

Rick Smithy of Softvoice, the AI and voice system Apple recently bought for an eight figure sum apologised to users of the system. ‘Facial recognition and Artificial Intelligence can be best friends. But on this occasion, we got it wrong. We apologise like crazy to the customers who have received these messages. Wait, did you just say eight figures? Like six zeroes? Fuck, man! I’m richer than I thought!’

Softvoice is now in beta with an even more secure faecal recognition system to run alongside its facial model. Smithy explained: ‘Your poop is unique to you – even more so than your face. With our new system, you collect a small sample on a Bluetooth probe and insert that into a port and if the phone recognizes it then it fires up instantly.  We’re also developing a urine based system which will also tell you if you’re pregnant or dying from a range of diseases the system can diagnose in seconds!’


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Posted: Feb 26th, 2018 by

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