A carrot from Waitrose is desperately trying to avoid spending the rest of the week outside in the cold being used as a nose for an as-yet-unbuilt snowman.
‘I heard the weather forecast on the radio earlier when the fridge door was left open for a few minutes’ says Duchy Organic carrot Fenton Barnes.
‘Apparently it’s going to be brass monkeys all week with shit-loads of the white stuff coming from Siberia. When I heard the son saying he couldn’t wait to build a snowman I tried to roll behind the asparagus and the celery so the little bastard goes for the cucumber instead’.
‘It’ll be colder than a penguin’s arse out there’ continued Barnes. ‘That’s no life for a carrot like me; I’ve been personally spoken to by Prince Charles you know.’
‘I want to end my days being gently steamed and savoured with a nice Chardonnay while the dinner guests discuss their half-term skiing holidays, not lying on the ground in a pile of melted shitty brown snow being pecked at by the neighbourhood crows.’
‘If Charles knew this kind of shit was going down he’d be f**king livid’.