The Labour Party has decided its Brexit policy is now to leave the EU ‘more or less’ – but mostly less. ‘We are committed to respecting the spirit of the Brexit referendum which we have determined was pretty half-hearted,’ said Shadow Brexit Secretary Sir Keir Starmer. ‘I mean 52% to 48% – that’s practically a draw in our books.’
‘It’s like asking the Missus if she wants to go to the movies on Thursday night,’ continued Sir Keir, ‘and she says “Oh I dunno, maybe, not bothered really. I’ll see how I feel, but if you really want to go I’ll go too. It’s not exactly decisive.”
Under the new plan Labour have proposed leaving the EU for the first half of the year, then re-joining it for the second half. Or having a rotating one day-in, next day-out policy. Or just leaving the EU at night-time then popping back in in the morning.
‘Instead of a hard Brexit or a soft Brexit, we’re proposing a really, really half-arsed Brexit. Basically the country couldn’t really make its mind up one way or the other and we feel this should be reflected in our policy. Except maybe Sunderland. Those leave-voting bastards can just haddaway and shite, man!’