Following the deaths of over 1 million people – many of them teenagers – when a ‘crazed’ nation ran into a country and started spraying automatic gunfire at innocent civilians, President Trump has criticised the ‘cowards’ who didn’t run in and stop them.
‘I really believe I would have run into that country, even if I was unarmed. And so would most of the people in this room, except for all you fake news-peddling journalists,’ he told reporters at The White House briefing.
When asked why he didn’t actually run into Vietnam, or indeed any other actual conflict, he reminded the journalists of a bone spur in his heel which would have made marching quite a chore. ‘Believe me, I so wanted to do my bit for Uncle Sam, but the intermittent problem with my heel just kept flaring up at the wrong goddamn moment… every time there was a draft letter. Wow! How was that for bad luck? That was real sad for me. Just so sad and heartbreaking.’
Military experts have further confirmed that orange skin would be difficult to camouflage, though concede he might have been invisible in areas sprayed with Agent Orange. However as he probably would never have shut up that would have jeopardised both his own and the safety of others in his unit, so consequently he was given a deferment.
‘Every day I fantasise about acts of heroism’, the President said. ‘And that makes me a hero. I don’t just fantasise about small acts of heroism, like, say, saving a kitten from a tree. I daydream about really big stuff, defusing atomic bombs, hand to hand combat with bears, that sort of thing’.
The President is understood to be in line for a Purple Fart, which commemorates imaginary injuries sustained in hypothetical battles.
hat-tips to Al Opecia & Crayon