The Digital, Culture, Media and Sport (DCMS) select committee has confirmed that no amount of drugs can make cycling anything more than ‘a glorified paper-round’. While Sir Bradley Wiggins and Team Sky have done their best to cross an ‘ethical line’, they completely failed to overcome the public’s view that anything involving that level of spandex and Storm Trooper helmets, belongs in a fetish dungeon.
Accusations that Sir Bradley was given illicit injections, is on par with someone taking their inhaler while on a pogo-stick or Lempsip while roller-blading. Most acknowledge that cycling is ‘not something grown-ups do’; alongside hide-and-seek, Ludo and voting responsibly in a referendum.
The only other event that can give you thighs like tree trunks and chaffed nipples, is being in your third trimester. A DCMS spokeswoman said: ‘We’re talking about an activity where the equipment does 99% of the work. Don’t believe me? When was the last time you saw the Tour de France won on a penny-farthing? Cycling is still up there with the egg-and-spoon race, ‘Fifa 18’ on the ‘PS4’ and Trump-baiting as sports that are not really sports’.
If found guilty of further infringements, Team Sky racers will be forced to use stabilisers throughout next season and retake their cycling proficiency exam. The spokeswoman confirmed: ‘If drug-taking gave you legitimate sport status, then the decathlon would be replaced by a weekend with Russell Brand. Cycling is, and always will be, a poor excuse for adults to use sippy cups’.