Mo Farah admits running Olympic Marathon on poppers


Mo Farah has admitted to winning his Olympic gold medal while high as a kite on amyl nitrate, it has emerged.

The formerly squeaky clean athlete claims he only took the party drug as a gateway to London’s chemsex scene and had no idea it would enhance his performance on the track as well as in the bedroom. Farah also admitted the banned gay stimulant helped him to overcome his natural shyness and had the welcome side effect of curing his congenital asthma.

But experts say the initial heady rush may have facilitated free-flowing, rapid leg movement by relaxing his anal sphincter, enabling him to knock two-hundredths of a second off his personal best.

In his defence, Farah said: ‘The night before the marathon, instead of preparing mentally for the punishing ordeal ahead, I went to a party in Hackney where they were playing Kitchens of Distinction. Somebody passed a small capsule of this stimulant around. There’s no way I could have known about its performance-enhancing properties because the writing on the side was in Chinese.’

‘I don’t expect a pat on the back for this, but all of the Ethiopian long-distance runners have been using poppers for years and GHB is rife in the two-hundred metres steeplechase.’

Doping expert, Steve Goodyear, added: ‘Poppers and the accompanying dizzy sweat are commonplace among our most celebrated Olympians and are probably the reason Paula Radcliffe shat herself in Athens. There’s also a huge body of evidence to indicate that Sebastian Coe won the 1500 metres at the 1980 Moscow Olympics while off his face on a ninety-six percent pure batch of Crystal Meth.’

‘What? It’s no more ridiculous than suggesting Bradley Wiggins tampered with his piss’.

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Posted: Mar 7th, 2018 by

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