A gene that predisposes someone to become a Tory Bastard has been isolated by researchers at the Genome Institute. ‘Anyone carrying the gene’, explained Dr James Wilson,’ will exhibit Tory bastard characteristics at some stage in their life, sometimes in childhood. For example, William Hague was a full blown Tory Bastard by his early teens.’
The Tory bastard condition is particularly prevalent among the upper classes. Tory bastard characteristics include allergic reactions to poor people, excessive greed, and an obsessive sucking up to the wealthy. The condition can also lead to serious intellectual impairment as in the case of Iain Duncan Smith, as well as obesity (Eric Pickles).
‘I’m thankful that at least I haven’t got the Tory bastard gene,’ said one terminal cancer sufferer.