Being alive kills you, new research reveals

Further research emerged today funded by Cancer UK, confirming the link between being alive at some point and the inevitability of death at a further point in the future. The latest research focuses specifically on the dangers of eating food in promoting death from cancer, in particular red meat this time. ‘There is no doubt that eating red meat increases your risk of cancer’, stated Professor Tom Grant. ‘All the indicators are that if you are still alive as a consequence of not dying from anything else, it is likely that you will die of eating red meat eventually. Or something else.’

Meanwhile, the Daily Express released new evidence earlier that the ill effects of eating red meat could be countered by the early onset of dementia or heart disease killing you first, although frustratingly eating red meat reduces the risk of these things killing you before eating red meat does.

‘Basically our research shows that being alive comes with 100% of dying in the long term.’ said Professor Grant.

John Roughty

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Posted: Mar 8th, 2018 by

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