Russian Sports Minister Pavel Kolobkov has written to FIFA officials in Zurich asking what exactly is it they have to do to be stripped of hosting the World Cup later this year.
The exasperated Sports Minister said they had tried everything they could think of to have the tournament taken away from them and were now seeking advice from other terrorist organisations around the world as to what they should do next.
‘We have tried just about everything we can think of to upset these FIFA officials’, said Kolobkov while reviewing the week’s headlines detailing his country’s latest exploits. ‘They just keep shrugging their shoulders, saying ‘C’est la Vie, shit happens’ and ignoring our atrocities. With the sort of shit we’ve been pulling lately, we shouldn’t be allowed to host a kid’s bouncy castle party, let alone a global sporting event’.
Detailing some of their failed attempts, he continued: ‘Since that fateful day our bid was successful, we’ve tried annexing Crimea, shooting down a passenger plane full of civilians, destabilising Ukraine and tampering with the US election results. We even created a sporting-related scandal by doping all our athletes up to the eyeballs, but nothing.
‘And as if that wasn’t mental enough, we’re now neutralising double agents in broad daylight in bloody Wiltshire. Yet still, Russia 2018 is a thing’.
When asked why Russia didn’t avoid the plane shootings and elaborate spy murders by just not placing a bid for the event in the first place, the 48-year-old said: ‘Obviously we didn’t expect to win, it’s crazy. It was a bit like loosely inviting your annoying friend to come and stay with you when he’s next in town and then the bastard turning up a week later with a suitcase.
‘It was a polite gesture, not a genuine offer, and now we have two spies nearly dead and half of our hotels booked up with people from Blackburn. Absolute nightmare’.