A single segment of cucumber has ruined an otherwise perfectly servicable lunch, it has emerged.
Ben Jones from Scole purchased what he believed was an entirely meat-based sandwich on his way into the office, along with BBQ-Grill flavoured crisps and a can of fizzy bacon juice.
‘The first bite yielded the fried-animal hit that I so crave, but as mouthfuls two and three proceeded, I soon became aware that something had gone badly wrong’ recounts the 39 year old, grimly.
‘Admittedly I thought I saw a hint of something green before I began, though in all honestly I assumed this to be the leathery hide of the Meatalope or whatever it is that goes into these things’
‘Suddenly there was a moisture to my sustenance that I am unaccustomed to and a freshness that seemingly worked to undo all of carnivorous decadence I had sought through my purchase. Some… intangible medley of hydration and vitamin-delivery threatened to unravel my very perceptions of ingestion!’ he exclaims, his voice rising in fear and confusion.
‘The wet, crispness of it became worse and worse until at last my every chew became an unending and blasphemous mockery of the act of luncheon!’
‘I’m scared quite frankly’ he continues. ‘Does this mean I’m now a Veganist and won’t get invited to dinner anymore? Will I still be able to absorb the knowledge of creatures that I have bested in the food chain? With the flesh-sacrifice soiled by this sacrilegious gourd, will the Meatalope’s spirit now be forever trapped on the material plane? It’s not just my lunch experience that has been destroyed here!’
Colleagues are debating on whether then can break it to Jones that the gherkins which he asserts ‘are the making of any burger’ – are not in fact the pickled hind legs of the Monitor Lizard.