The German car manufacturer has announced that the size of each of its models will henceforth be calibrated in DPS, or the number of disabled parking spaces needed to accommodate it.
Sizes will range from from the compact 1-series which will be designed to fit exactly into one space, although the BMW badge will automatically give its owner the right to use the adjacent spot to unload his paintballing paraphernalia or his boxes of gym equipment. From there, models progress all the way up to the tank-like X5 4×4. The latter can be seen straddling three disabled spots at the entrance to any supermarket, while the genuinely disabled driver hobbles painfully to his VW Polo at the far end of a 10-acre parking lot.
“The DPS is a unit of measurement that will transcend national boundaries. It will make parking easier for all of our loyal clients from Düsseldorf to Doncaster”, says BMW Vice-President Alfred Platz in a press statement. “It’s particularly welcome as post-Brexit Britain backs away from the metric system and returns to its yards or cubits or whatever they use there. We feel this new system will help unite the scattered brotherhood of BMW drivers battling against the constraints of civilised driving etiquette in different countries”.
Owners of the brand have broadly welcomed the move. “This simplifies things for me as I’ve always had poor spatial aptitude”, says proud M5 driver Robert Trew. “I’m constantly at a loss when trying to hog two lanes keeping exactly half the car in each, or when I’m making sure there isn’t quite enough room for that mother and pram to squeeze past when I park on the pavement”.
Meanwhile, BMW owners have been advised not to use the DPS as a unit of penis size