There are growing fears of a major public health crisis after countless people were exposed to a highly toxic TV encounter between the two biggest tossers in Britain. The deadly ‘get on your nerves agent’ released when Piers Fr*gging Morgan interviewed Jim B*$tard Davidson could poison many thousands of vulnerable people, the government has warned.
‘It is staggeringly irresponsible of broadcasters to put the British people at risk like this,’ said Roger Haines, a normal person. ‘I grew up watching Love Thy Neighbour, so I thought I had a strong degree of immunity, but even so I have been vomiting convulsively since Saturday night.’
‘A computer could have written the script – an Atari that was around in the 1970s when Jim B*$tard Davidson passed for entertainment, that is. Borderline racist impressions: check. Bragging about group sex with prostitutes: check. Unsubtle mentions about doing so much for the armed forces but not wanting to talk about it: check. How it was all his ex-wives fault’ his four marriages went tits up: check. All punctuated by Piers Fr*gging Morgan honking sycophantically like a goose on acid.’
Having warned the few thousand resident who grew up as hunter-gatherers in Papua New Guinea and so were not aware that Morgan and Davidson are the two most distasteful sh*t planks alive not to tune in to the programme, the government has denied negligence. Calls for tighter security, however, are growing.
Nigel Walker, a bellend from Luton said: ‘Jim’s brilliant. He does so much for the armed forces and never talks about it. Its just because of them liberal PC snowflakes he isn’t on the telly any more. And he’s got loads of darky shirtlifter friends too, so he can’t be racist, can he? Nick nick! Brilliant. Hahahahahaaa.’