While conspiracy theories surround the attempted assassination of spy Sergei Skripal, the Russian President was keen to emphasize that he would not be so incompetent to use out-of-date nerve agent, a Salisbury park bench and a Zizzi’s salad. If anything, those three elements sound more like plot devices in an Alan Bennett play.
Instead, Mr. Putin explained he would normally rely on ninjas, Chuck Norris or sharks with lasers for eyes. A Moscow spokeswoman said: ‘President Putin could kill you with his thumb…nyet, scratch that, he could kill you using your OWN thumb’.
‘When our President said he would annex Crimea, he did not fudge things with a soft-Brexit. No, he got the job done – while simultaneously holding a grizzly bear in an arm lock. If President Putin was in charge of Brexit, the UK would now be 10 miles off the coast of Florida, with a fully-funded NHS, all-the-while eating caviar out of Donald Tusk’s skull.’
A bodged and highly public murder certainly does not fit Mr. Putin’s style. A police spokesman said: ‘We’re looking for someone with a history of failed assassination attempts. Someone unable to do a job properly. But has access to as much toxic bile as possible. Needless to say, Michael Gove has been surrounded.’