As international suspicion grows on Russian espionage in Britain, the Football Association has assured fans it is alert to the potential threat posed to the beautiful game by the Kremlin ahead of the World Cup.
The FA has confirmed that any physical slight committed against a potential member of the English First or Reserve Team line-ups ahead of the World Cup will be considered an act of anti-British hostility mandated expressly by Russian premier Vladimir Putin.
Moreover, all slide tackles will be subject to an immediate ‘top brass’ inquiry with draconian emergency powers up to and including pre-trial solitary confinement for 1,000 years.
To comply with anti-discrimination legislation, these measures will be applied against any player convicted of any on-pitch infraction, regardless of their nationality.
The Chairman defended the measures: ‘We can’t be too careful. Even British players could be double agents. We will do our utmost to avoid coming home with anything short of at least one point from the group stage.’
He added: ‘Football players are renowned for their ability to soldier on through every scrape and slight on the pitch without drama. But now we realise that if a player crumbles like a house of cards in floods of tears with the nearest player at least five feet away, we’ll know the Kremlin is involved.’
A. L. Shaw