The internet has been in meltdown since communities secretary Sajid Javid revealed that an estimated 770,000 people living in England speak little or no English. Mouth-breathers all over the country have been shocked to find how many people cannot communicate in the language that they themselves ritually slaughter on social media every day.
‘OMG, y r we letting in all these ppl who only speak forrin??’ asked Nigel Walker, an unemployed bell end from Bedfordshire on Twitter earlier today. ‘Dis is da language of Shaksper, Dickins and Jeremy Kyle an they cant steal a proper job from ppl who were born her in Are country if they dont speak it proper. MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!’
The revelation that most of those unable to communicate in English are in possession of both brown skin and a vagina has also aroused consternation – although naturally they didn’t actually use a four-syllable word like that – among Facebook posters up and down the nation.
‘Ur kiddin rite???’ asked Darren Wade from Bexleyheath. ‘Its all the muslamics again, stoping there women from going clubbing and wearing minis like what they shud to fit in. And the liberal pc snoflakes r all for that I bet. Its about time ppl realise dis is a Christine country and wear going to have it back again so there wont be any more of this hyproxity after Brexxit.’
Nigel Farage reportedly said something to a few journalists in a pub at this point. Fortunately everyone within a five-mile radius had already sandpapered their ears off, just to be on the safe side.