The organisation Fathers for Justice gained a high-profile new member today as Darth Vader attended their Annual General Meeting and recounted the harrowing story of how he lost contact with his children.
‘It was never an easy relationship with their mother, Princess Padme,’ explained Vader who had dressed as Batman to draw attention to his plight. ‘I was apprenticed as a Jedi on minimum wage, supposed to remain celibate, then she was suddenly promoted over my head to become Queen Amidala and a member of the Galactic Senate. It was the stress of it all that turned me to the Dark Side.’
‘But I was doing it all for her, and she just couldn’t see it,’ continued Vader. ‘If you read her divorce petition, it’s all ‘He changed, he killed the Sand People and the Jedi Younglings, he’s a Sith Lord, he tried to strangle me using the force, blah, blah, blah’. Nobody asked my side of the story. Plus, she had a very good lawyer.’
Soon after his pregnant wife fled the family planet and died shortly after giving birth to twins. The children were then taken into care by Jedi social services and were adopted by separate parents in different star systems. Vader then spent much of the next twenty years searching for his children, but to no avail.
‘If only I’d known Princess Leia was my daughter then I might not have had her tortured on the Death Star – or only a little bit anyway,’ he reflected. ‘But it’s hard for a father reunited with his children after so long. When I finally met my son I offered to set him up with a good job, a pension, health care, company Tie fighter, but he had a lot of anger issues. It’s just a shame I couldn’t channel it towards the Dark Side. I just lost it and cut off his hand, which may not have been the best response.’
Despite the setbacks Vader is hopeful of regaining contact with his children. ‘I’m building this nice new Death Star just off Endor, somewhere they can stop by and visit, maybe stay over eventually and bring the grandchildren. Just don’t pass the address on to the Child Support Agency.’
by, and for, Quaz