Allotment holder, Stalin impersonator and occasional Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn has sacked shadow Northern Ireland Secretary, Owen Smith. This followed what was described as a ‘completely unparliamentary display of honesty’ by the Shadow Northern Ireland Secretary in suggesting that a second referendum on Brexit might not be such a bad idea after all, you know.
‘By calling for a second referendum, he has clearly proven that he is aware of all the issues and ramifications surrounding Britain leaving the European Union,’ Corbyn said in a statement written on home-grown, organic lettuce leaves. ‘This is position that clearly goes against the current political zeitgeist and one that is quite frankly untenable if we are all to keep our heads firmly in the sand. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I beat him by 61% to 39% in the leadership election two years ago, which is almost as decisive as the referendum result that I campaigned so tirelessly against but now refuse to revisit. I won, you lost, so STFU loser!’
In response to his sacking, Smith tweeted: ‘Just been sacked by @jeremycorbyn for my long held views on the damage #Brexit will do to the perception that elected officials may actually have the best interest of the people they serve at heart.’ Having read the eight responses that flooded in over the next two days, Smith then added: ‘SMITH. It’s @owensmith for f**’s sake. Owen JONES is that shouty one in the Guardian. We don’t even look like each other.’
When asked for his views on Corbyn’s decision, prominent Brexiteer, self-publicist and walking old man’s todger Nigel Farage said that the sacking of a front bench politician for suggesting a vote to see if the public still wanted to leave was ‘a victory for the British values of democracy that we had fought so hard to regain’. He then shouted something about fish before ordering his next pint.
The National Executive strongly backed Corbyn’s stance, saying that calling for a second referendum before letting the far right turn Britain into an economic wasteland goes completely against Labour’s strategy of ‘pretending something doesn’t exist and hoping it’ll go away’, which also mirrors the party’s current policy on anti-Semitism among the membership, the influence of Momentum and Diane Abbott.