Government introduces vote recycling scheme

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The government has announced that it is to introduce a vote recycling scheme. It is understood that votes may be recycled at the polling station where they were first cast, whereupon any member of the electorate doing this will be credited with an ounce of common sense and promised five pounds off their income tax. The new system is to be trialled using the 2016 EU referendum as the control sample.

A junior minister said: ‘The electorate can expect to see vote recycling cards come their letterboxes in the next few weeks. When all have been distributed the government will then designate a new date for the referendum. If you wish to reverse your vote you can simply present the card at the polling station on re-polling day and change your mind.’

Some critics have claimed that the £5 vote-recyclers are to be given will instead somehow be siphoned off illegally to cover the costs incurred for the purchase of a new bus in the run-up to re-polling day in order to spread more utter bollocks about how £1 billion per week will be given back to the nation to fund the NHS.

Nigel Farage is said to be livid after hearing the news and is threatening to bring an injunction through the High Court. ‘This is nothing but a common-sense move by a hopelessly out of touch Prime Minister designed to get her out of the unholy mess Britain now finds itself in after the vote to leave somehow won in 2016,’ said the toad-faced attention-seeker.

If the scheme does not catch on, Michael Gove has floated an alternative of recycling waste from the UK’s 13 billion referenda per year. Voters will have the option to return their referendum vote or pay of small surcharge of €40 million. Returned ballots will then be pulped and reconstituted into toilet paper, which is technically up-cycling.

The Environment Secretary said under the scheme the UK will be hoping to return its Brexit to the ‘box of crackers’ it came from. Meanwhile, voters are advised to store their unwanted ballots in recycle boxes until Cambridge Analytica are available to pick them up.

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Posted: Mar 28th, 2018 by

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