As spring has been delayed until 2020, sun loungers and parasols throughout the UK are unwilling to break their hibernation and emerge from the dark confines of the shed. No amount of coaxing can entice the furniture to come out; even with the promise of a rubdown with linseed oil, a new patio heater and a lighter pair of buttocks.
‘I’m staying put in the shed,’ said grumpy rattan chair Kevin Wilkins. ‘I was designed for Mediterranean al fresco dining, not Barnsley with hot soup. If you reckon its spring, they why don’t you try sitting naked on a mouldy patio for whole day? Look, we had an agreement, I create the illusion that you’re a sophisticated homeowner and you stop the cat from pissing on my leg. But my whole ‘holiday in Crete’ vibe is ruined when there’s a snowman on the lawn.’
Signs that things are chilly are self-evident in the fact that the local robin has become a popsicle, the box containing your pet tortoise has a ‘Do not resuscitate’ sign and the barbecue pit looks like an ice rink for snails. ‘I’ve spoken to the picnic table and none of us are coming out any time soon. And don’t try your usual tricks, with fake plastic topiary, spray-on tan and a trail of breadcrumbs,’ Wilkins said. ‘Oh and Steve the George Foreman grill said to forget it, he’s still traumatised from his only outing last year.’
‘To be frank, I’ve struggled to convince the furniture that spring has arrived,’ admitted 56-year-old Bromsgrove resident Barry Haynes, who has been Wilkins’ owner for the past 11 years. ‘Nobody’s fooled by me wearing shorts when my kneecaps are still blue. Of course, my son reminded me that in Narnia, the world was trapped in a permeant winter, ruled over by a heartless woman – but that’s Brexit for you.’