Tears will replace test runs next year as Australia switches from cricket to crying as a national pastime. ‘So many of our sportsmen have demonstrated excellence at whimpering before an international corps of hardened sports journalists,’ sobbed Mike Smythe, Australia’s new blubbing boss. ‘We’re not afraid to man up and break down! And I bet we’ll do this better than the bloody Poms …I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s come over me…’ Smythe was then escorted from the room, wailing loudly.
‘It’s not just squaring up to our failures on the cricket pitch’ said former captain Steve Smith, bravely sniffing while his father, himself welling up, gave him a cuddle. ‘It’s what we did to the aborigines. It’s the offence caused to trans folk by Edna Everage. It’s the last lines of Waltzing Matilda, when the swagman gets killed and only his ghost can be heard as you pass by that billabong….’ While Smith’s tears were carefully measured by an electronic system sponsored by Kleenex, one of the new crying team was seen in the wings surreptitiously sniffing at an onion before appearing at the microphones.