Jeremy Slatter, a polite and normal chartered surveyor from Bromsgrove, has emigrated to the USA, abandoning his career, his wife and their three children. Speaking to reporters as he embarked at Heathrow last night, Slatter said that the pressure of sharing his name with all of the most obnoxious twats in Britain had driven him to the point of nervous breakdown.
In a rough primary school in the south of Birmingham, Slatter had first had to live through the Jeremy Thorpe trial of 1979. ‘Kids were even more homophobic then they are now,’ he recalled. ‘For months, every time I went into the playground, it was “Oi Jeremy, want to bum me? Hur hur hur” or “Oi Jeremy, please don’t shoot my dog”. I begged my parents to change my name but they wouldn’t have it.’
Having endured that, in the 1980s Slatter found himself assailed by the double whammy of annoying TV presenter Jeremy Beadle and mass murderer Jeremy Bamber. ‘Secondary school was a nightmare too,’ he said. ‘“Hey Jeremy, I hear your cock’s quite big, but on the other hand it’s quite small.” Yeah, yeah, very funny. And half of the bloody stockbrokers were Jeremys then too.’
With only Jeremy Paxman’s supercilious sneer to blight his life in the 1990s, Slatter’s fortunes seemed to be on the mend and he even managed to have a couple of friends at university, despite the handicap. Later, he began a reasonably successful career and settled down to raise a family, only for the proverbial perfect storm to develop around him.
‘First it was Jeremy Clarkson, a loudmouthed car fanatic so far up his own arse he hits people when he can’t get a steak for dinner, then Jeremy Kyle, a chav-baiting ball of pent-up bile, then Jeremy bloody Corbyn. I thought things couldn’t get any worse, but then they appointed Jeremy Hunt as Health Secretary. A man who wrote a book on how to destroy the NHS, who has got even Tory voters sympathising with strikers and who is officially a piece of Cockney rhyming slang.’
‘The last straw was that poll that named him Britain’s most disliked politician,’ Slatter concluded. ‘Let me run that past you again: more disliked than George Osborne, Alex Salmond AND Nigel Farage. Well I’ve had it with Britain. I’m off to breathe the free air of Montana, where a man can be who he wants to be, where Jesus can be Lord of my life and the airwaves aren’t polluted by loads of goddam uppity nig … oh, bollocks.’