Pupils to be taught languages from foreign porn

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The government has promised to save £750m a year on education by scrapping courses in modern languages and letting kids learn them in their spare time from porn sites instead. A free market think tank has said there are websites offering porn in “a much wider range” of languages than the A-level syllabus could hope to include.

‘Now that the EU is a thing of the past, there’s no point in teaching them this parley-voo stuff any more’, says a government spokesman. ‘Besides’, he adds, ‘school classes that teach the subject tend to be too dry and academic for the Facebook generation. With porn films, pupils learn the living language by following realistic everyday scenarios that they can relate to. Like when the pizza delivery boy calls to a lonely housewife, or a man wanders into a convent full of sexually frustrated nuns and gives them a good seeing to’.

However, former Eton French master Leonard Hulme disapproves of the idea. ‘One doesn’t wish to be seen as snobbish or elitist’, he says, ‘but the characters in these films tend to be of limited education and vocabulary, and the action usually takes place in local authority housing. The conversation never rises above “what size is yours, big boy?” (answer always in metric) and “you know you want it, you nympho”. I have yet to see anyone quote Goethe or Molière in one of these productions’.

Meanwhile, unemployed bus driver Alan Barstead, 38, heartily endorses the idea. ‘The wife would kill me if she found out about my porn habit’, he says, ‘but I find it very educational. I can now say “Hi, I’m the plumber and I hear you have a problem” in five languages’.

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Posted: Apr 4th, 2018 by

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