Amid increasing paranoia surrounding the sharing of private data, Royal Mail is preparing for a massive comeback for traditional letter-writing. Scientists have welcomed the move, believing this may be the last chance for teenagers to learn cursive script before their opposable thumbs evolve entirely into texting organs. Facebook executives have resigned themselves to the fact that many privacy-conscious people will go from checking their iPhones to watching out for the postman every day, but insist their company ‘will remain relevant on the social networking scene’.
‘We figure there are at least a million messages a day from people who have something embarrassing they’d prefer Cambridge Analytica not to know about’, says RM spokesperson Maureen Pell. ‘There’s a lucrative new market here. People no longer trust Mark Zuckerberg with such sensitive data as “i wuz wasted last nite lol” or “Send me more Novichok”‘.
Meanwhile, Basildon Bond has responded to the challenge by developing a new steam-proof envelope and Hallmark has launched a special range of cards as substitutes for Facebook instant messages. These include ‘Yes, you can friend me’, and ‘No, I know you’re that creepy stalker from the shopping centre’.
Meanwhile Ms Pell has assured the public that there will be no delays due to the sudden increase in Royal Mail workload: ‘We’ve subcontracted the extra work to a mysterious new company called Tunbridge Paralytica who approached us with a very reasonable offer’.