Taking time off from solving the the murder of Diana, the Daily Express editorial board is holding crisis talks on the physical safety of Prince Harry’s bride to be. ‘One can only imagine the unseemly proliferation of conspiracy theories that would follow if, say, she were to die in a horror crash in the Channel Tunnel”‘ says board member Jeremy Scales. ‘Not to mention the boost in tabloid circulation’.
Mr Scales strongly recommends that Meghan stay away from high-risk neighbourhoods, ‘although, as it happens, there’s a convenient short cut through Tottenham on the way back from the church. Not that we’d be recommending that route, of course’.
Another board member warns that the couple should stay away from Paris ‘because investigative journalists rack up huge expense accounts there – sorry, I mean because the French are crazy drivers and you never know what might happen’.
The paper claims it wants them to be careful in their choice of chauffeur. ‘We definitely wouldn’t suggest Richard Hammond – no way’, says Mr Scales, his face dripping with concern. ‘Although I would point out that he’s a staunch royalist, and at 4ft7in he’d be in no danger of provoking any sexual jealousy on Harry’s part”. The board strongly recommends Chris Eubank for the job. As one of them explained: “I’m sure Meghan would feel more comfortable being driven by a coloured chap’.
The Express is outraged at the suggestion that they wish Meghan any harm. ‘Far from it’, says Mr Scales, ‘in fact we’re giving her a wedding present of an extra strong seat belt that fits most post-2010 model cars and can be installed in twenty minutes at any Halfords outlet. OK, it only cost £12.99 and was made in Taiwan, but we have to economise here at the Express – did I mention our circulation is in free fall?’