Nigel Farage has once again given voice to the unspoken thoughts of the majority by claiming children’s television is being infiltrated by EU propaganda. ‘Our children are being brainwashed,’ he said. ‘They don’t have a chance – by the time they’re old enough to vote, they think it’s perfectly normal to know what halloumi is.’
‘Consider Peppa Pig: zebras, pigs and wolves, consorting together in a promiscuous bacchanal of inclusivity,’ said the pint-bothering UKIP leader. ‘It’s clearly a thinly veiled metaphor for a single European currency. And that French gazelle, she works as a teacher at the playgroup now, but when she finally gets bored of doing an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay, who do you think’s going to be paying for her to sit on her backside all day, eating cheese and cheating at Sudoku?’
In response to this onslaught of continental grooming, Farage has announced plans to release his own series of childrens’ books about a muscular albino bulldog called Brunel and his plucky Girl Guide sidekick. Each issue they have a different adventure which they must overcome through ingenuity, common sense and patriotic distain of outside regulation.
‘In the first volume the duo must rescue someone’s grandpa from a cave-in at a nursing home, only to discover that structural instability is the inevitable, tragic result of hiring undocumented Romanian labourers,’ Farage said. There’s also a sub-plot about a Brussels conspiracy to rename Yorkshire puddings ‘Bruges son Poudin.’
As a bonus, UKIP is including an I-spy chart of foreign nationals. Readers can fill it in each time they see one on the welfare system, along with dates, times and locations, and send it back to UKIP headquarters in return for a statuette of Churchill holding a smaller statuette of Churchill.
However, the estate of the late Enid Blyton has threatened to sue if Farage’s proposed publication ever sees the light of day. ‘The compulsion to attribute literally every the crime committed in the UK to the machinations of swarthy foreigners is a trade mark of the Famous Five,’ said a spokesman. ‘So Nigel, come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough.’