In response to the dramatic decision by the government to alter the mood of millions of kids by forcing manufacturers to reduce sugar in soft drinks, Education Minister Damian Hinds is allowing authorities to permit ‘the carrying and gnawing of emotional support sugar canes and sugar beet on school premises.’
Being vegetables, sugar cane and beet are permissible for sale in school canteens from today. Initial responses from children weren’t favourable, ‘It was like chewin’ a cat’s leg dipped in Ribena!’, ‘We used them as lightsabers’ and ‘I broke my toe kicking the beet then a load of ants tried to eat my shoe.’
However teachers have welcomed the move hailing it a complete success. Said one: ‘It’s been fantastic since we started this initiative. I haven’t once had talk a kid down off the gym roof or sit on top of one to make them stop charging around the classroom like a demented whirling dervish.’
To help redress the crisis, global sugar refiners Tate and Lyle has launched a scheme to give away a free toy with every bag of sugar. The toys are located within the bag and take the shape of a wasp. There are 1500 wasps to collect to complete ‘The Nest’ each with their own name and individual personality.
A spokesperson from Tate and Lyle when asked were they taking advantage of the distress caused to families by the blight of sugar reduction commented, ‘We’re only bringing a little fun into our product by introducing the wasp, believe me there’s no sting in the tail.’