Not-so-deadly Russian nerve agent Novochok has been proven to be about as harmful as a dodgy dose of Chicken Vindaloo, say disgruntled KGB assassins. The spy agency is returning all stocks of Novochok back to the lab to be re-tested on all those who voted against Putin in the recent elections.
‘That shit was supposed to make the Skripals go belly upski, not just give them a bit of a tummy ache. I’ve had worse hangovers than that.’ said KGB thug Grigor Stantikov. ‘They’re probably in more danger of dying now from the NHS grub.’
The spy agency vowed to stop arsing about with all the fancy-pants ways of topping people, and promised to get back to good old-fashioned assassination basics – poisoned umbrellas, stranglings in bathtubs and throwing people out of windows.
‘This Novochok bollocks was sold to us as the next big thing in assassination tech. Just slap a bit on the doorknob and bingo – no more Skripals. Instead all we have in the ‘wasted’ column are two guinea pigs and a Persian cat. Admittedly they were traitorous bastards too, but not exactly the Mr Bigs we were after.’