Willy Wonka Issues Profits Warnings Due To Sugar Tax Proposals

Wonka

After decades of unrivalled success Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory may eventually be approaching meltdown. Issuing a profit warning – ahead of first quarterly earnings for 2018 – the famous chocolatier referred to the pending impact of the new sugar tax.

Whilst the tax will initially focus on sugary drinks, chocolate and candy products are rumoured to be next as obesity levels balloon. Special concern focuses on the issue of childhood obesity.

Mr Wonka, however, dismissed the fears as paranoia, suggesting that all children naturally go through the puppy fat stage.

‘Take Augustus Gloop,’ he explained, ‘he’s seventy three now, so the weight will soon drop off. He should be able to see his feet and tie his shoelaces by Christmas’.

Nonetheless, the business is bracing for a tsunami hit as all associated brand products are expected to be targeted. Waterstones have already trebled the price of the famous Roald Dahl novel that gave birth to the Charlie Bucket phenomena. Hackney Council has gone a step further, withdrawing all copies of the book from local libraries; the ones that survived cost cutting closures that is.

Incensed Mother of Three, Mary Sweeting, 30, called it political correctness gone mad. She pointed to the irony that she could still borrow Thomas De Quinceys Confessions of An English Opium Eater, from her local branch; further moaning that the same library also stocked four copies of Fifty Shades of Grey`. “Or so I am told,” she blushingly added.

Hackney politicians issued a statement defending their position citing their duty of care towards residents. They were especially keen to highlight the fact that all of their libraries still retain copies of Dahl’s James and the Giant Peach. ‘This helps to educate children about our Five a Day campaign,’ explained a spokesman.

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Posted: Apr 9th, 2018 by

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