Frustrated with the legacy of police cuts, the failure of ‘stop and politely enquire’ and with Mayor Khan apparently hiding under his desk, Home Secretary Amber Rudd has taken the knife crime epidemic into her own hands.
‘There are two ways to tackle this’, she rasped. ‘One way is to promote training in parenting skills, set up youth clubs and establish a culture of aspiration for deprived youth using a network of community mentors. The other is to pre-empt the fuckers by squeezing them till their eyeballs burst. I choose the latter.’
Our reporter accompanied the self-styled Ambo on a patrol of Tottenham in the early hours. Spotting four youths chatting by a burger van, Ambo lost no time in forestalling any criminal future on their part by laying them out with a baseball bat. ‘Bag ‘em and tag ‘em, bitch’ she cried, before sprinting across the road to intercept a young girl alighting from a minicab.
Snarling ‘Your move, creep’, she dispatched the teen with a spinning heel kick. Our reporter witnessed four further hours of relentless combat before retiring, dazed. Ambo was still going strong, wild-eyed, her knuckles raw, the morning dew joining the pearls of perspiration on the hair of her upper lip.
Two weeks later and Ambo’s daily patrols have brought an eerie calm to night-time London. The streets are empty, the hospitals full. The under twenties cower at home. We ask Ambo for a motivational message for the capital’s youth. She responds ‘I’m your worst nightmare. Stay out of trouble. Choose your future. Choose no knife.’