The conviction of a Leeds schoolboy for polluting the local atmosphere was quashed in the High Court today. Michael Jones, 13, had raised concerns about a particularly smelly fart produced during a year 8 English class, which, based on smell and considerable circumstantial giggling and cries of ‘he’s shat him sen’, hypothesised that the offence had come from Paul McBride seated two desks behind him.
‘In the furore that ensued and the original trial, McBride used the tried and trusted ‘The one who smelt it dealt it’ defence, first used in Stockton Comprehensive school back in 1974’, noted Judge Peter Stenson. ‘This temporarily deflected attention back onto the hapless Jones with what was by all accounts an eye- watering pea-supper ’.
‘Whilst McBride cleverly retorted, almost instantaneously with ‘The one that denied it supplied it’, unfortunately for him, most of the class was already pointing at him, holding their noses and wafting their textbooks around in a highly exaggerated fashion to try and disperse the smell.’, continued Stenson. ‘When the English teacher asked Jones if he’d had a curry the night before, his fate was effectively sealed’.
Crucial new evidence was brought before the High Court. First, a new witness, fellow classmate Ricky Davies, came forward, indicating that he had heard McBride deliver the fart on the day in question, with McBride chanting ‘Watch out for this, too good to miss, here comes an eggy boff’, whilst raising one butt cheek upwards and mimicking a gun firing as he released a rasper.
Secondly, the court heard that Jones’ original lawyer was negligent in not using the ‘one that said the rhyme, did the crime’ defence. ‘Had either Jones used this on the day of the fart, or in court, the perpetrator would never have actually have been able to be identified with any certainty given that each party would actually have said a rhyme so ner ner ’, noted Stenson. ‘We would have all forgotten about it by afternoon break’.
Mr McBride is now being investigated for more than 20 instances of letting off Silent But Deadlies and three cases of following through in a maths lesson.