Seagulls on ‘smack’


Heroin and chips have become the meal of choice for coastal communities and thieving seagulls. So addicted to ‘H’ have the birds become, that many will bombard innocent beach-goers enjoying the simple pleasures of sunshine and syringe filled with ‘birdie powder’.

Seaside resort towns are said to have the highest death rates through heroin, but that is mainly due to ‘jacked-up’ seagulls colliding with shipping. The average seagull can consume its own bodyweight in heroin every day, meaning that being ‘shat upon’ by a seagull is still considered to be lucky and has a street value of £20 – hence the expression ‘this shit is good’.

Holidaymakers hoping to enjoy a nice cone of chips or a bag of china white, are advised to gently heat their heroin undercover of a beach brolly. If families want to share needles, they should do so behind a windbreak, away from doped-up gulls and at least thirty minutes before swimming.

Said one tourist: ‘I was busy chasing the dragon and then all of sudden I was being frantically pursued by a herring gull. It was like Hitchcock had directed ‘Trainspotting’. Worse still, I got sand in my sandwich – although it’s still technically purer than the smack I bought’.

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Posted: Apr 12th, 2018 by

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