The Home Secretary has said that only one man has the credentials to turn around rising violence and Tory fortunes, but unfortunately Sam Allardyce was already in post. Therefore Amber Rudd has naturally turned her attention to Alan Pardew, the brains behind ‘taking the fight out’ of West Bromwich Albion.
A spokeswoman for Pardew said that he welcomed the new challenge: ‘Alan is expecting a positive bounce in gun-related deaths. Normally 36 points would be enough to secure Premiership survival, although I’m not sure what survival rates are like after 36 stab wounds?’
Said the spokeswoman: ‘Alan has the necessary experience. West Ham, Southampton and Crystal Palace – they were all murder. Alan is not afraid to confront the unsavoury face crime; he’s worked with Mike Ashley’.
In anticipation of Pardew weaving his normal magic, she went on to say: ‘We’d like to thank Alan for his efforts but we’ll be mutually parting company, before he’s even started. On reflection, the Home Secretary is desperate but she’s not that desperate’.