NewsBiscuit’s handy guide to Grand National runners and riders

Grand National

Total Carnage – Has featured every year and seems certain to be in the frame again. 8/1F

Glue Factory Boy – Likely to finish again, but not necessarily this month, due to losing both hind legs at Cheltenham. 66/1

Vultures Circling – Hoping to do better than last year, when he fell on the way out of the paddock. 66/1

Novichok Flyer – The first ever Russian entry, it will take a lot of nerve to back this one. 100/1

Trump the Tweeter – Bound to stand out, with his alarmingly yellow mane and orange hide. Has no experience over hurdles but claims to know more about getting around this course than anyone. 25/1

Brexit Unicorn – Promised much but has yet to deliver. Should be humanely destroyed. 1,000/1

Dumpfishinthethames – A highly publicised runner out of the Farage stable, his name actually has more characters than permitted but now we don’t have to worry about those silly EU rules affecting our national sport any more. 12/1

Bontemps des Oireaux – Last chance for him this year, since horses with poncey French names will be automatically disqualified after March 2019. 14/1

Ginger Harry – His mare was Di in the Sky and what a mare she was. Hard to call, since it is unclear if his sire was Organic Prince or Major James. 12/1

Meghan is Great – Hugely backed by the tabloids this year. 9/1

Theonewithawomanjockey – Cute Bryony Frost should get a good ride here. AND from the horse. Eh? Eh? Oh, please yourselves. 16/1

Meghan is a Slag – The race probably comes a bit too early for her this year, but just watch her go next year. 20/1

Calmdowncalmdown – A local favourite, would have gone off favourite last year if he had not been found with his knees removed and on bricks the night before. 12/1

Oscar’s Girl – A fine South African filly and certain to be beautifully turned out, but has never previously got past Valentines. 50/1

Jeremy’s Protest – Surprisingly durable old stayer, amazed observers by coming second at 250/1 in last year’s General Election Hurdle but surely past his best now. 33/1

Strong and Stable – No, she isn’t. 100/1

WestminsterLibDem – No information available on this one and most analysts have never heard of him. 500/1

Break a Leg – Has been hiding in the wings for a while, this will be his stage debut. 50/1

French Fillet – Hoping for a sizzling performance this time around. 25/1

LGBTGG – Lost his knackers over the sticks at Cheltenham, first time out as a filly. 50/1

Gonnabedogfood, – An outsider but comes from a great Pedigree which means eventually it will Winnalot. Was stable mate with last year’s first faller, Shot at Dawn. 100/1

Horse D’oeuvre – Very quick starter, but hasn’t got the legs. 100/1

Housewivesfavourite – Also a bookies’ favourite. Three-legged donkey with no chance of reaching the first fence but heavily backed because of its name. 1,000/1

Next Tory leader – A dark horse no one has paid any attention to. Expected to suddenly surge from the back of the pack to within sight of the finish before falling at the last hurdle and returning to obscurity 500/1

Zuckerberg’s Folly – Pulled up in last outing at Congress but known to be a stayer. Will run alongside stablemates Always Analytica and Fake News Filly. Thought to already know the outcome of the race. 50/1

Bowen’s Boys – Won a speedboat last time out at Wolverhampton. Hoping to stay out of the red on the all-weather this time round. 25/1

Cossack Tsar  From fine Russian National Bear Hunt stock. The jockey rides saddleless and bare-chested and has already won. 25/1

Syrian Bloodbath – This mare may make an explosive move late in the race, but stewards protest they need time to investigate a doping controversy, and she may turn out to be more hot air than hot war. Either way the trainers will be fine, even if the horse is destroyed. 50-1. Nobody’s favourite.

Young Dele – Good performer but often falls over on the flat, so fences are a concern. 25/1

Titus – A stayer who will doubtless be there at the end, but has a tendency to go over the same ground again and again and again. Refuses to go to stud despite many invitations to go forth and multiply. 150/1

US Gun Deaths – On a slight decline after a record-breaking 2017, due to coming under pressure from March For Our Lives, by Gun Control Rally out of High School Nutter. Capable of rising again though. 33/1

Theoneinblueandwhitestripes – Absolute no-hoper but well-backed by certain football fans who know nothing about racing. 250/1

additional contributions by – Skylarking, Dick Everyman, Scronnygonkle, Sinnick, beau-jolly, chrisf, DavidH, Sir Lupus, Midfield Diamond

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Posted: Apr 13th, 2018 by

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