The UK Government has announced plans for a new statutory time scale to be known as British Nuclear Winter Time (NWT) in the event of a catastrophic escalation of political and military tensions in the Middle East.
Given Russia, the US, the UK and France all account for around 99% of all known nuclear warheads, the new time scale would ‘reflect the realities of the unprecedented challenges we face’, the spokesperson said. ‘Unlike British Summer Time or Greenwich Mean Time, Nuclear Winter Time will not actually ‘move’ in the conventional sense of ‘time’. Rather, clocks set to NWT will simply stop at a suitably ominous hour, and remain there for at least 80 years.’
While denying accusations that the Government was panicking, the gravely pale spokesperson confirmed that the necessary Parliamentary legislation would become law by ‘tomorrow’.