Parents of Tarquin Farquar-Smythe of Farnham have petitioned the Home Office after their son was arrested and detained at a detention centre for illegal immigrants. The 18 year old, dreadlocked, social studies undergraduate was arrested by police on suspicion of being an illegal Jafaican immigrant, after one officer heard him saying “arks” instead of “ask” to a friend in a local off licence.
A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police says that officers carried out a stop and search of the individual and on questioning the suspect, found that he was in possession of several dropped Hs, some discourse-pragmatic markers, namely innits, and a variety of post-dental sibilant consonants.
Jeremy and Cressida Farquar-Smythe claim that it must be a case of mistaken identity as their son is incredibly pale with terribly acne and ginger hair. “Tarquin is clearly a white, British male. The nearest he has ever been to the Caribbean is our second villa in Bermuda”, said stockbroker, Jeremy.
The arresting officers said that the suspect became very agitated and aggressive, saying that the officers were “totally soggy and dis-wavey,” adding “you is bare frass tings, innit.” It was at this point that the confused police officers deployed their batons and CS spray.
A Home Office spokesman told our reporter that the family had produced the correct paperwork to have their son released and that the administration process was taking some time. He added, “Off the record, we know he’s a white British citizen but we’re keeping him in custody to teach him a lesson. We’ll let him go when he stops being a cultural appropriating, snivelling little mummy’s boy.”